An incident 3 years ago that cost me a friendship I've yet to resolve with someone in Toronto taught me that there are some feelings you should just keep to yourself forever.
But now, I am tired of being nice. I am tired of being fun on the outside but empty on the inside. I am tired of hanging out with people who I can't really talk to because while I am a good listener, I don't know if they are.(<--this is the feeling I ought to keep to myself, but IT'S MY DAMN BLOG AND I CAN SAY WHAT I WANT TO)
Over lunch today, I accidentally blurted out that I am tired of hanging out with my friends and that I don't feel inspired anymore, and a friend visiting from Vancouver said:
"That's good!" (which surprised me... but she probably knew that she wasn't a part of the "friends" I mentioned in that last sentence), and that I could be using my time more efficiently to do the things that "I" want in life. Like doing something that's fun and I've always wanted but would probably result in me spending ALL my savings, rather than going back to school for something that would help my career advancement but I know I would still feel empty after obtaining.
I shouldn't be sorry that I am not as ambitious as my friends in Shanghai or Taipei or London. Life is too short to be wasted on things that "society" views as success but not yourself.
Teacher said that my friends are my best assets in this life. Over these years, I've tried so hard to make as many friends as possible, much because I didn't want to end up like my parents who've lost almost any socializing ability because for them, nothing matters as much as family does. I'm sorry that family still isn't first for me, but maybe it's time that I left my friends for a while to dive down and focus on more important things. I'll know who my real friends are when I come back up and do a head count on who's still hanging around.