☆ 刺刺蝟的進化論 ☆

2001 | Robbie Williams【Sing When You're Winning】

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man...

I don't know if I will ever master the art of keeping my mouth shut before my brain processes the words I want to say aloud. I say "master", because while I understand fully that this must be done at all times, in the presence of enemies, casual acquaintances and close ones, but I forget more than I remember.

And I don't know if I will ever learn that anything I say might sound totally different in the ears of others. I say "learn", because apparently I've been living in the assumption that my closest friends and family have hearts as big as the Pacific and will overlook whatever comes out of my mouth, and those who are less tolerant will have been "weeded out", as another friend of mine has put it.

All I know is... I am approaching 30, and apparently am still the conceited bitch I was when I was 15.

I can't be as nonchalant as yet another friend, who said "that's just the way we are" when she and her husband got married in a very low-profiled fashion (apparently some of their friends were hurt because they'd known nothing about it, so she wrote a blog post explaining the situation); I value my friends too much to stay the way I am --- and I want to change too, knowing I have quite some character flaws that many people can't stand. While I know I cannot please everyone, it is the least I can do to not disappoint those dearest to me.

Nothing I say or do can override the fact that I was not the host I wanted to be in the past three weeks when one of my favorite people in the world was in town. I say she is one of my favorite people in the world with all my heart, but the truth is she did not get the all-star treatment she deserved--in fact, far from it, as I have just learned this afternoon. Still, instead of giving up on me, she chose to be an honest friend and told me how I had (unintentionally) hurt her feelings. For that, I am thankful, because she has sacrificed herself to be the prick on my heart, and I will become a better person because of it.