今天又有一個人跟我說 他覺得我現在好像做什麼事都瞻前顧後, 綁手綁腳的...
很不像他一開始認識的我
而且說話的這個人是我認識不算久也不算深, 卻是說話總是一針見血
又很有建設性 讓我十分敬重的人
"CJ, you're a big girl, you're capable of making important decisions on your own,
so you should think about what YOU want to do with your life,
and not about what you should do to make your mother's life better.
And if she has anything to say about what you make of yourself,
then she should also think about what she did to make you this way."
然而就算我很敬重的這個人說了和其他我也一直覺得他們很中肯的人一樣的話,
我還是沒辦法make up my mind.
在我去加拿大之前, 我曾經深深的傷害了我媽媽一次,
and that's where most of my guilt towards her is coming from.
and not so long ago, 她跟我說她以前都覺得我是個很自私的小孩,
只顧著自己玩瘋了都不會考慮到家裡為我擔心,
但是後來她聽她的朋友講她們小孩子的事,
才恍然大悟, 原來我這個世代的人, 因為經濟環境許可下被呵護的好好的,
所以什麼事以"我"為重, "我自己爽"最重要,
拼命工作也是為了"以後要度假/置產/賺更多錢 etc",
不像她那個年紀的人都普遍比較吃苦, 而且不太敢有什麼"夢想",
因為她們要負擔的是三個世代--父母, 自己及小孩.
"也許真的是我的觀念需要調整吧,
畢竟你們沒有經歷過當時台灣經濟剛開始起飛的日子,
我也沒資格要求妳要做的跟我做的一樣才叫孝順," 她這麼說.
但是我媽這番聽起來很體貼的話, 讓我的罪惡感更深了,
想"離開台灣, 到外頭看世界"的話更說不出口了.
我一直覺得小D以前說過的一句話很有道理: 小孩子若是有偏差的觀念或行為,
父母自己應該也要檢討, 而不是把事情通通怪到外在環境上
可是....現在我們家裡的狀況, 還能夠允許我有這樣的觀念嗎?
這就是我很矛盾的地方: 現在絆住我的, 其實不是我父母的態度,
而是我們整個家庭的"unstable situation"
by unstable I don't mean that my family is running out of money,
but that due to some happenings, my family's future has become very unclear.
於是我媽就把她所有的寄託都冀望於我, 每每對我耳提面命說我是唯一能夠"養她"的人
叫我一定要注意自己的健康, 否則如果連我都倒了她就真的什麼"希望"都沒了
(可是我明明很早之前就說過我大概活不過40歲了啊 XD),
接著就叫我找一個"正常"的工作:
"給妳當記者當一年了應該當爽了吧,
接下來可不可以去做秘書或是英文老師等比較穩定, 會賺比較多錢的工作?"
我本來是一直不願意說的, 因為覺得自己家裡的事, 終究不適合和"外人"講.
可是, 已經有越來越多人發現我和以前不一樣, 他們都說我"總是心事重重, 不是很快樂,"
我才開始意識到這"家庭壓力"已經影響到我的個性和生活....
某個人在偶然的機緣下聽我說了這些事後, 說她完全可以體會我的不滿,
而我若是對我的家人表明我的立場, 我也絕對站的住腳,
但我還是很矛盾. 我實在是很不希望"樹欲靜而風不止"的情況發生在我們家,
但是會不會我早在大學前, 就已經把我可以"自己享受人生"的quota給用完了,
所以我現在才要背負起全家的重擔?
I would so like to accept this sort of hardship in my family as a challenge in my life,
but with most people around me always saying they're gonna make a million dollars
or travel around the world by the time they're 35, it's hard for me not to be cynical.
There have been times when I wanted to scream at them for "不事民間疾苦",
but restrained myself just in time,
because I have no right to yell at them for something which they bear no fault to.
So in the end, I just smile and say, "yeah, that's good.... I envy you for being so ambitious."
That was also me about 5 years ago, but now it will probably remain as something I wished for.
I don't ask for any sympathy, and I regret more than anyone
that I have to "grow up" faster than everyone else (hey, my favorite fairy tale was Peter Pan),
but it's the "cross" I have to carry.
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