☆ 刺刺蝟的進化論 ☆

2 weeks ago, I joined in on a birthday brunch and spent a lovely afternoon with four intelligent and beautiful ladies. The birthday girl hooked me up with a book she recently read called "The Four Agreements".

This might sound like another one of those self-help books that you'd never be caught flipping through in a bookstore, but it actually helps us to self-reflect because they are very simple guidelines that we know by heart but too often forget to follow. 

1. Be impeccable with your words.

2. Don't take anything personally.

3. Don't make assumptions.

4. Always do your best. 

I nodded fervishly at the first agreement; too often problems are raised and damages are done because of something we spoke of carelessly, thoughtlessly or agressively. And too rarely we realize that subtle little digs at others, or gossip behind their backs, can hurt them more than we realize, and in hurting them, we hurt ourselves. Avoid gossip, lies, and empty promises. In short, say only what you mean. 

But I couldn't help but wonder: was it just me, or do fewer people take responsibility for what they say nowadays?

I get that it "feels good" to let your tongue go astray once in a while, without having to watch whatever comes out of your mouth; after all, we're already under a lot of stress at work each day. But with all these instant messaging technologies, it becomes so easy to hide behind your words because others can't tell when you really mean something or when you're just fooling around.

But could it be that we twist and shift with our words because inside, we actually can't handle the truth?

Recently, those of us at work began attending a weekly self-growth course. In the first class, the instructor asked us to do some free-writing,  LITERALLY.

I wasn't really surprised that most of my coworkers still sketched out a half-poem or an essay that had some kind of structure to it; I probably would've done so too if I hadn't already learned what "free-writing" really meant. So unlike others, I had run-on sentences, indistinct scribbles and occasional exclamations all over my page... which my coworkers roared with laughter over when the time came to share.

But afterwards, my supervisor commented that she'd already sensed from the start there would be sharing involved, so she was very reluctant to write down the dialogue that was going on inside herself, and in result she ended up writing 5 or 6 times "其實我真正想說的是" (the filler phrase for when we can't think of anything to write during the session). This received unanimous agreement... which totally reflects how self-conscious we all were. 

And then it dawned on me: If you can't be comfortable with your true self, how would you be comfortable around anyone else? So of course you say things that you don't mean.

So now I try to avoid the sarcasm and brassiness I've often caught myself with when I talk. Surprisingly, it's not that hard; all I have to do is just be honest and sincere.  So what if I don't have words of wisdom coming out of my mouth 100% of the time? Getting it across to the other end with exactly what I mean is what matters. Humorous dialogues come in spontaneity, I won't ask for so much. 

However... I think that recently I may have hurt a friend by throwing the blunt truth in his face and telling him to get over himself when he was feeling depressed. I would like to say that I'm sorry, but before that, I hope he also realizes that it takes the sharpest knife to bleed the worst wound... and all I wanted was for him to own up to the choice that he made himself.